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  • Writer's pictureMichelle Lumiére

Conscious Relationship Remodelling

Millennials and Gen Z have started shifting away from the restrictive formulas of conventional relationships, but where do we go from here? Article from The Waters blog.



Time and time again, we have seen that nothing positive is achieved by forcing standardised templates onto any aspect of the unique human condition. From diet and nutrition, to learning styles, to gender, we have repeatedly proven that one size never fits all. Ignoring this truth inevitably leaves pockets of humans feeling isolated, misrepresented, and even shamed. With a global population of over 8 billion people, these pockets are not small.


That said, one single human feeling this way for simply existing in their essence is one too many. We see the devastating effects on both individual and societal levels: depression, anxiety, suicide, alcoholism, obesity, and body dysmorphia, are just some examples of the impact on the human psyche when pressured to conform to the masses.


So why are we still operating this way, by large, when it comes to relationships? Why are we still relying on age-old templates such as monogamy, with only a handful of alternative models to dabble with? With broken families, divorce rates, affairs, and a dating app behavioural crises that would make even the most optimistic singleton run for the hills, it is undeniable that when it comes to relationships, both casual and longterm, old systems are strained.


Like stabilisers on an infant's bike, popular relationship models such as monogamy have steadied humanity out of the dark ages and provided a solid foundation on which society has thrived. We all know the modern day issues with monogamy though, and we have seen a great serge in people choosing consensual nonmonogamy (CNM), with its several variants, in an effort for something more fulfilling and sustainable.


At a glance, CNM appears to offer a better solution for modern relationships by plastering the patches of vulnerability monogamy exposes. But consensual nonmonogamy, whichever version of it people adopt, is still a template full of societal rules and expectations. On closer inspection, the vulnerabilities and conflicts are much of the same found in monogamy: people are dishonest, trust is broken, attraction fades, communication is avoided, greener grass beckons.


The slow realisation that the templates are the problem has finally started to gain traction. Individuals and couples are waking up to the fact that something more bespoke, more meaningful, and more authentic is required. The blanket rules of the masses are not working for a lot of us on an individual level. Cue relationship anarchy; when the only rule is that there are none.


Relationship anarchy (RA) is a movement that attempts to dismantle the rules of all relationship models and empowers people to create their own ideal model based on their core values and needs. It almost sounds too good to be true, but we've seen an entire wave of Millennial and Gen-Z subscribe to this idea.


Relationship anarchy, however, like all things to do with the heart, is not easy territory to navigate. For a start, it's incredibly new as a concept, not coming into mainstream focus until around 2006. , This means tools, guidance, support, and application frameworks are still being formed, with coaches, therapists, and counsellors working hard to formalise necessary learning.


Furthermore, how do you formalise and apply frameworks to something that's core essence is about rejecting rules? This certainly presents an interesting challenge. To answer this question, we need to look at the underlying motivation behind relationship anarchy. Why, as humans, are we feeling compelled to tare up the rulebook of conventional relationships so drastically?


This is an effect of a bigger movement. Society is making strives when it comes to understanding and letting go of ego states. Meditation and spiritual gurus are connecting with Millennials and Gen-Z in a way not too dissimilar to that seen in the '60s. The result is a growing awareness of the ego mindset and a yearning to break free of it. As we learn more about the ego, we start to spot ourselves clinging to it, and through observation, we start recognising the difference between our true-self and our ego-self.


When we reach this point as individuals, it has an intense effect on our relationships. Aligning to group identity is an ego mindset. You can see this in the way group identity creates conflict through them-and-us culture; our way is better, their way is wrong. When the ego is rife this way, it's hard to deviate from the group and stay authentic. In all walks of life, this can create cognitive dissonance, a sense of unease when our actions conflict with our core values. A good example is when one person in a CNM relationship needs a period of monogamy but reluctantly agrees to swinging because of group pressure.


As more and more people are realising that authenticity is a core foundation to joy and peace, the more we are understanding what authenticity and true-self really mean; neither being anything to do with ego and social convention. In our relationships, this means we are yearning to be seen and loved at soul-level. We want connections that are beautiful, as they are meaningful and respectful; free of judgement, expectation, and ownership.


Pure acceptance, soul-to-soul, means being able to flex around each other and play the game of life with authenticity and agency. It means loving beyond the ego, while listening to each other intuitively when having to operate in the ego world. Values such as compassion, compromise, forgiveness, awareness, and kindness all thrive in these types of relationships. But it can take work to get there.


The key to that work is being conscious of the process, bringing loving awareness to our conversations, and staying true to our purpose as we strip out societal rules and expectations and remodel our relationship on our own soul-terms. This is what conscious relationship remodelling© is.


Designed by Founder and Psychologist Michelle Lumiére, conscious relationship remodelling© is a coaching practice for budding relationship anarchists who want to grow beyond the ego state and love each other authentically and sustainably.


Through individual and couple's sessions, conscious relationship remodelling© helps people to explore their ability to reject the rules imposed by societal templates. By bringing awareness to our motivations, attachment styles, and vulnerabilities, the process aims to expand our understanding of human bonding, unpick any limiting beliefs, and remodel our relationships based on our own true-self values and needs. This empowers humans to work as an intimate team to cultivate and nurture relationships that reflect not only our unique lived experience, but the essence of our highest self.


If you're interested in working with Michelle this way, please email: hello@michellelumiere.com

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